Moments

For some odd reason, maybe because it's all my life consists of  at this phase, motherhood has been on my mind a lot. When I was young motherhood was all I ever dreamed about. I basked in the joys of being aunt and always silently thought, "I got this kid thing down. I'm going to be awesome mom who plays all the time, dances, sings...a constant happy party!" Well my dreams came true, I fell in love, got married, and two kids now call me mom and, To my surprise, I often catch myself thinking, "I thought I was going to be better at this. Where is all that energy I once had to offer my nieces and nephews to earn me the title of, "the favorite aunt?" (They don't say it but I know they think it.) I get lost in the feed of facebook pictures of moms making lemonade stands, sewing epic costumes and dress ups, visiting zoos, getting ice cream, going to Disney land, and the pictures of childhood wonder go on and on....and it doesn't end there. Then there are the stories. You know the ones, about how my 1 year old just wrote their name...in cursive (slightly exaggerated...maybe) and the "breath in all these days for one day they will be gone" stuff. In 15 minutes the cyber world has managed to make this  mama feel thoughts like, "I need to do more. I thought I would be better at this." Am I alone in this...probably. Oh well I'll finish my thought even if no one relates. Alas, people I had an apiphane. This cyber world...it's crap.
 last month I had a break through. We took a family vacation to my super awesome sisters house in California. I got to see my nieces and nephews who I have been missing dearly but with two kids of my own now...being cool aunt is harder these days. However, one evening everyone was getting out of the pool. My sweet husband took our kids in for baths and some how I got a priceless 30 minutes to swim with my 8 year old niece. We talked about her school and friends. We attempted to master the butterfly swim stroke....which looked more like a drowning whale in the end. We laughed and shared a 30 minute "moment" I will treasure forever with my sweet growing niece.
You see that day I realized the beauty in life is the simple concept that every day, hour, minute, and second of motherhood wont be sunshine and happiness and endless energy or we would never feel the magic of "moments" and life would cease to "take our breath away." I realized with my niece that back in the day all those times being an aunt were moments in my days. I wasn't their mom. I didn't spend every minute with them of every day. Really I was just great at "moments" in time.
So moms, if at the end of the day you can say at some point I stopped to get down at my child's level and look at ants or made them laugh by making Dino shaped sandwiches or made a rockin fort and at popcorn while watching a movie in Jammie's at 1 in the afternoon, or if you simply made it through a day of tantrums and hysterics  (both mother and child at times) and ended it with hearing or saying "I love you to the moon and back." I say you are rockin this mom thing! Don't let everyone's posted (facebook,Instagram) "moments" get you feeling less about the mother you are. They are all simply moments. I witnessed this first hand the other day at a subway. A mom was out having a mom, son date. They got kids meals and laughed. She stopped to take a picture of their perfect "moment" to which I saw her proceed to stop and post it to facebook. That picture is all her friends will see, they will not see the chocolate milk spilled all over her and the little boy 5 minutes following the snapshot of perfection.
Motherhood is hard, it's repetitive, and lack of sleep, crazy busy doing everything and total boredom from every day being the same (stay at home mom problems). It's constant highs and lows but it simply has to be this way so that we continue to find magical "moments" that not only take our breath away but push us to keep going nf remind us how blessed we are. In those moments please tell yourself, I'm awesome, I'm rockin this mom thing! and then hold onto it as a reminder until you get to the next "moment."  Remember, for this season of toddlers and babies is only a "moment!"

Ps as always I don't have time to edit haha

Sharing life....

A few weeks ago my school family graduated. It was a hard day I must admit. I was seeing pictures of them in cap and gown breathing in that pride of finally tasteing victory from an incredibley difficult program. I cried wishing I could be there with them, basking in that day we had all fought for and dreamed about. However, I also cried because of how proud I was of my crew. I remember walking in on day one seeing a room of strangers that I never thought I would know let alone relate to and somewhere in our seven hour Monday night classes, countless group projects and many study sessions we became family and friendships were created that will change my life forever. Was it just the amount of time we spent together in a windowless classroom with nazi teachers lecturing that forced us to be friends? As I looked at pictures of my crew on their graduation day I realized they changed my life because they shared their lives and liberated me to do the same.


I must say as I grew up I can't say I ever had a best friend, that was a girl at least. My friends came and went with different phases of life. Each left me with life lessons whether for the good or bad, but there was never that best friend. The day I entered high school my father left to Germany for the army and wouldn't return home until after I graduated. I felt like slowly my friends disappeared, turned on me. I was told my mom and I would be moving to germany after my freahman year. I lived my life with that as the plan. I said good byes and never ran for student body. However, the army is not consistant and things always change. each year of high school I came back, with the promise I would move within the year. no one knew the humiliation I faced each time I returned to school. I heard whisperings of my friends telling others it was all for attention. Along with feelings of betrayal and humiliation my family was dealing with some if the hardest trials we would face. I often felt completely alone, a responsibility to my mother who was left at home alone each night I chose to leave, and deep despair that no one saw. My high school years, yeah those best years of our lives,
were my most trying and lonely. The point of me telling you this is because I believe I lost out on friendships because I was afraid to share my life. I was afraid to make myself vulnerable and tell people what my life was throwing at me. I put on that face of life is bliss and pushed through, changing friends every few months. Now, don't get me wrong. I had great friends, ones that I still look up to and cherish but I rarely let people know me. I only connected to a certain level but the pieces of my life that would later define me and change me were never expressed.

Now, I got older and met a group of students and many other wonderful women who shared their life with me. As they told me their scars, current trials, joys and fears I shared mine and in sharing "real life" , deep respect, loyalty and friendships were created that still push me to be a better person and empower me to fight the difficult times that we are all destined to face in this life. Think about it, aren't your best friends those who you share all your life with and they do the same? My friends, we must face life together. Share your real lives and it will liberate others to do the same and I promise you will find kindred spirits you feel you once knew before, and most importantly sharing our lives empowers us to keep trying, doing more, and keeping our faith!

Graduation day was hard for me but because of my friendships and knowing what each individual in
my crew faced while trying to finish school, knowing the reasons that drove their fatigued and worn out bodies through each grueling day of school and life, I was so overwhelming proud of my friends. I cried because they did it and it was not easy. I am a better person, better friend, and a more driven person because I have let people in and shared life and they shared theirs. I pray that we will all endure this life together and celebrate our  and others victories that become even mor honorable when we know all the little victories that lead to the final "diploma day."

No Nap

It was one of those mornings, when you stayed up too late watching tv and talking about the problems in the world with your husband and now your regretting it because your baby woke up at five thirty. I was so looking forward to nap time. However, we played soccer in the hall, colored, chased, and ate unhealthy snacks together. I was really feeling like a good mom and dreaming of sitting down for my Pepsi break (for some reason it taste so much better in a big goblet. Just try it one day.) and watching the show I said I would never watch, vampire diaries. I can't believe I'm hooked. I tried to hate it but it sucked me in. Anyways, on with my story of being so ready to sit down and regain energy for the next shift of being mom. It was finally that beautiful time, that time that gets me out of bed in the morning knowing it will come soon, you all know it. We call it ...nap time.

We read stories and I said nu night and went to pour my goblet of caffeine. As I sat down, the little monster decided he wanted to still be playing. I could her him whining and calling mom. I decided to try and ignore it to see if it would go away. It didn't. So, I didn't get bugged and recognized mom needed a minute to sit and it was okay. So... I went and saved my sweet little blue eyed boy, wrapped him in a blanket, grabbed the iPad and turned on the tv. Kellen and I cuddled up close.  he watched the iPad and mom watched her show. He would look up at me every so often and give me that buck tooth grin as if to say this is awesome!

So, today I took a break, which I don't usually do. I guilt myself into getting up and cleaning or folding laundry. Today I recognized that to be on top of my game for the remainder of the day I needed a short break and I took it. And to be honest a memory was made. An image of my 21 month old was imprinted in my mind as we stole short gazes at each other. In taking a minute to be still and hold my son while we watched shows I fell I love a little more, the tantrum he threw an hour later was easier to deal with, and no nap time became one of those sacred mom moments when you take in everything about your child, the uneven haircut I just gave him, the smell of baby soap from his
recent bath, and the little crease in his chubby wrist that one day will disappear. I took it all in and decided that sometimes no naps are pretty awesome!


This is old but still cute!

Lets be real....

Maybe this post will really just make me feel better and non of you reading can relate and you really will by the end be thinking...this lady is crazy and I'm such a better mother which you probably are. However, I need to feel better so I will write. I'm changing my blog purpose a little. Some of you may be thinking, you mean you might update it more than Once a year? Yes to that but also I want to be real in hopes that others will be real and that we woman will not fall into the despair of never feeling like we are enough. I had a break down to my amazing mother and husband the other day over feeling like I just wasn't measuring up in anything. I log into facebook and see pictures of Dino pancakes made by cool moms, major refinished projects, creative kid activities, their newest iPhone upgrade, etc. basically, I see everyone's perfect moments and non of their pull my hair out, my child just colored on the floor, the dinner burned, I forgot to do my home teaching moments. So, for any women who want to be told, you doing much better than you think you are, I am going to start doing more post on my imperfect moments mixed in with those few days that I truly felt like super mom.

My brother recently became a bishop and is most surprised by how different woman are behind closed doors than when they are trying to give a social impression of being totally put together. For some reasons Mormon culture has created a false expectation or a mold, mothers are suppose to fit. We must graduate with high honors from college, be an interior decorator and create homes fit for a magazine all while running the weekend marathon and fitting into the latest style of skinny jeans and heels. Don't forget about the photography business on the side ( with all the respect in the world to my friends who truly are amazing photographers ) and making meals fit for a king in a fashionable apron, family home evening activities, a planned and prayed about visiting teaching thought, and being the most prized wife with how often our husband get, "sexy time." Ladies this idea is not what the brethren have taught. There is no job description for perfect mom because who you are, that is the person your children need and why god sent them to you! Your children don't need your neighbor Jane, or he would have sent them to her.

So, my name is lundi. Yes, Lundi but I will most of the time respond to Wendy and Lindy because for some reason that is what people hear. This week my child colored on the floor, I took a very long walk one two days and called it my workout. My child eats processed viena sausages. ( they are his favorite and its not worth the fight to get him to eat the carrots I made him. At least he is eating something.) kellen probably watched more tv than he should but he can identify a circle, square, and triangle.  I haven't done my visiting teaching yet but I have set a goal. I say prayers every night with my little boy and tell him I love him more than he wants to hear. Recently I was a 3.9 student in the usu special Ed program and I postponed school with only my student teaching left. Some say I quit but my father in heaven and my family know it was a huge sacrifice that was the best thing for my family. My baby glares at every stranger that tries to smile at him and I wore a, what not to wear, no no this week in public... A college sweater, jeans and running shoes. Oops. I cried this week because I didn't read my scriptures, I didn't write my journal, and I only got to watch a few
conference talks because my child needed my attention, I love watching tv and really do feel guilty about wasting service time watching my nightly shows but i still havent changed. I often compare myself and wish I could be more like the wonderful moms around me. But ladies here is the thing. The savior said, be ye therefore perfect. However, the word BE, is a verb and most importantly it is in future tense. Every day we try again to become perfect. And in time, only through our savior, we will BECOME perfect. My life is made up of  more imperfect moments than perfect but it is awesome. It really is a fairy tale with lots of conflicts, happy endings, mistakes, moments of triumph, heart break, and more love than I ever thought possible. Moms be okay with your imperfections and keep trying. Trying to be better and wanting to be better are great things, but trying to be someone else or be too
much will only lead you to despair and trust me despair is a power satan will try and use to drag down our churches most powerful weapon...imperfect mothers!
From here on out I will try to be real. I will share my ups and downs so that maybe someone somewhere can for a second think, I'm not alone, I'm not crazy, and I'm doing a pretty good job.

One more overload of Pictures

Jordan use to push kellen around in this wagon and he loved it!




                                                  Here is christmas 2011!! I know I am a little behind but my sister Dani came and we got to play with her boys for a few days!! Loved it! We miss them so much!

Kellens 1st Christmas...might I add!

                                                        Drey was so                good with Kellen! They were little buds.                  

This is just because my baby is so stinkin cute with those little blue eyes!

           





Have I mentioned I think my baby is so cute!?

Happy Easter!

 I know this picture made you go...ohhhh!

He loves to sit on the door of the dishwasher when I unload the dishes. I was trying to capture it but he got more excited about the camera.

                                                        We sold the old beat up Jag that we bought off of Jordan's parents when we got married. It was almost dead and costing too much to fix and put gas in! So we have now become proud owners of a subaru!

Kellen gave the whole family the flu on the 4th of July so we celebrated a few days late but it was still fun...a big breakfast, a day on the lake, and sparklers to end!

   




                              Once again my baby is so dang cute!

Remind you we just back from the lake...dont be jealous of my beautifulness!

 Kellen gets into everything...this is when I found him eating taco shells...well sucking on them and spitting them out.

Finally, Jordan and I celebrated our 2nd anniversary and it was the one of the best days ever! We went to Vegas and saw Phantom...AMAZING!!! We also had dinner at P.F. Changs and they treated us like royalty! It was seriously so needed and so much fun!
Well enjoy these two posts because you probably wont hear from me until christmas. Jordan is finishing school in December and I will only have student teaching left!!!!! I seriously think I should be a doctor by now with how long I have been in school but a Special Ed teaching is way cooler! Love you all!

It has been a year! 
I finally have two weeks of freedom from school and I am loving every minute! The first thing on my list of things to do during this two weeks is to update this here blog! This is going to be an overload of pictures from way back when up to now! The main reason for this post however is that my baby boy turned 1 on July 24th! I feel like I turned around and my newborn become a toddler! Somehow during the course of this past year I kept the little guy alive. I still remember all the details of those first moments I met this little man and it seemed like I was replaying them all day during his big day. It has truly been a year of learning, growth, and love! I watch him in amazement in all that he has learned in only a year. He started out a total challenge in which I found myself daily asking why did I ever want to be a mom!? He screamed all day and all night for the first month of his life...Jordan doesnt like to think of these "dark days" haha. However, we lived and so did he. He is currently testing the waters with walking. He can walk across the room but since he fell out of his stroller and got in a fight with the road (the road won I think) he has been a little hesitant to get up and risk falling on his face again... He laughs and chatters all day long and loves to be outside. His favorite place to play is the toilet and he could pull clothes in and out of the dryer all day and be totally entertained. Jord and I love this little boy more than we can put into words! He has taught us more in one year than we ever could have learned in a lifetime without him. I thank my father in heaven each day for trusting me to be this perfect little mans mom even with all my imperfections. We love you bubba gump! Happy Birthday!

                                         All his little girl cousins love him...I think its a mutual love!

                                              This was my attempt at a Micky Cake...I was kinda proud haha

Below is newborn...Can you believe how much he has changed!?

                                     

There is nothing better than....

Lately Jord and I have been playing this game that I have titled "nothing better than." We didn't mean to start playing this game we just happened to always be coming up with things we love! Some of those things have been
There is nothing better than
-coming out of a cold air conditioned building/house to meet the warm sunshine! (I know you all know this feeling.)
-A large diet coke on a hot day after yard work.
-the smell of wet cement in the summer after washing your car.
- Wakeboarding on glassy water
-waking up in the middle of night thinking you have to get up and you look at the clock and see you get to sleep longer. (back in the day when I wasn't getting up with a baby all night!)
-Turning a huge assignment or walking out of a big test know you are DONE!
-The smell of a baby right out of the bathtub
-the silence of a night right after/during  a big snow storm (This is the ONLY thing I will ever referr to as a good thing for Winter)
-For all you mothers out there that moment your baby finally slips out after a long labor and you hear their first cry!
-and of course to end it there is nothing better than a warm day in the sun, lots of baby giggles and smiles, and being with my little family!
These are just a few I can remember. We have a lot so when you are having a bad day just think of a "there is nothing better than" statement. It will give you a warm fuzzy! I'll post more as they come but in the mean time...for anyone that may read this....what is there nothing better than for you?!

REally can you think of anything better than his little face and those two little teeth!?