Sharing life....

A few weeks ago my school family graduated. It was a hard day I must admit. I was seeing pictures of them in cap and gown breathing in that pride of finally tasteing victory from an incredibley difficult program. I cried wishing I could be there with them, basking in that day we had all fought for and dreamed about. However, I also cried because of how proud I was of my crew. I remember walking in on day one seeing a room of strangers that I never thought I would know let alone relate to and somewhere in our seven hour Monday night classes, countless group projects and many study sessions we became family and friendships were created that will change my life forever. Was it just the amount of time we spent together in a windowless classroom with nazi teachers lecturing that forced us to be friends? As I looked at pictures of my crew on their graduation day I realized they changed my life because they shared their lives and liberated me to do the same.


I must say as I grew up I can't say I ever had a best friend, that was a girl at least. My friends came and went with different phases of life. Each left me with life lessons whether for the good or bad, but there was never that best friend. The day I entered high school my father left to Germany for the army and wouldn't return home until after I graduated. I felt like slowly my friends disappeared, turned on me. I was told my mom and I would be moving to germany after my freahman year. I lived my life with that as the plan. I said good byes and never ran for student body. However, the army is not consistant and things always change. each year of high school I came back, with the promise I would move within the year. no one knew the humiliation I faced each time I returned to school. I heard whisperings of my friends telling others it was all for attention. Along with feelings of betrayal and humiliation my family was dealing with some if the hardest trials we would face. I often felt completely alone, a responsibility to my mother who was left at home alone each night I chose to leave, and deep despair that no one saw. My high school years, yeah those best years of our lives,
were my most trying and lonely. The point of me telling you this is because I believe I lost out on friendships because I was afraid to share my life. I was afraid to make myself vulnerable and tell people what my life was throwing at me. I put on that face of life is bliss and pushed through, changing friends every few months. Now, don't get me wrong. I had great friends, ones that I still look up to and cherish but I rarely let people know me. I only connected to a certain level but the pieces of my life that would later define me and change me were never expressed.

Now, I got older and met a group of students and many other wonderful women who shared their life with me. As they told me their scars, current trials, joys and fears I shared mine and in sharing "real life" , deep respect, loyalty and friendships were created that still push me to be a better person and empower me to fight the difficult times that we are all destined to face in this life. Think about it, aren't your best friends those who you share all your life with and they do the same? My friends, we must face life together. Share your real lives and it will liberate others to do the same and I promise you will find kindred spirits you feel you once knew before, and most importantly sharing our lives empowers us to keep trying, doing more, and keeping our faith!

Graduation day was hard for me but because of my friendships and knowing what each individual in
my crew faced while trying to finish school, knowing the reasons that drove their fatigued and worn out bodies through each grueling day of school and life, I was so overwhelming proud of my friends. I cried because they did it and it was not easy. I am a better person, better friend, and a more driven person because I have let people in and shared life and they shared theirs. I pray that we will all endure this life together and celebrate our  and others victories that become even mor honorable when we know all the little victories that lead to the final "diploma day."

No Nap

It was one of those mornings, when you stayed up too late watching tv and talking about the problems in the world with your husband and now your regretting it because your baby woke up at five thirty. I was so looking forward to nap time. However, we played soccer in the hall, colored, chased, and ate unhealthy snacks together. I was really feeling like a good mom and dreaming of sitting down for my Pepsi break (for some reason it taste so much better in a big goblet. Just try it one day.) and watching the show I said I would never watch, vampire diaries. I can't believe I'm hooked. I tried to hate it but it sucked me in. Anyways, on with my story of being so ready to sit down and regain energy for the next shift of being mom. It was finally that beautiful time, that time that gets me out of bed in the morning knowing it will come soon, you all know it. We call it ...nap time.

We read stories and I said nu night and went to pour my goblet of caffeine. As I sat down, the little monster decided he wanted to still be playing. I could her him whining and calling mom. I decided to try and ignore it to see if it would go away. It didn't. So, I didn't get bugged and recognized mom needed a minute to sit and it was okay. So... I went and saved my sweet little blue eyed boy, wrapped him in a blanket, grabbed the iPad and turned on the tv. Kellen and I cuddled up close.  he watched the iPad and mom watched her show. He would look up at me every so often and give me that buck tooth grin as if to say this is awesome!

So, today I took a break, which I don't usually do. I guilt myself into getting up and cleaning or folding laundry. Today I recognized that to be on top of my game for the remainder of the day I needed a short break and I took it. And to be honest a memory was made. An image of my 21 month old was imprinted in my mind as we stole short gazes at each other. In taking a minute to be still and hold my son while we watched shows I fell I love a little more, the tantrum he threw an hour later was easier to deal with, and no nap time became one of those sacred mom moments when you take in everything about your child, the uneven haircut I just gave him, the smell of baby soap from his
recent bath, and the little crease in his chubby wrist that one day will disappear. I took it all in and decided that sometimes no naps are pretty awesome!


This is old but still cute!

Lets be real....

Maybe this post will really just make me feel better and non of you reading can relate and you really will by the end be thinking...this lady is crazy and I'm such a better mother which you probably are. However, I need to feel better so I will write. I'm changing my blog purpose a little. Some of you may be thinking, you mean you might update it more than Once a year? Yes to that but also I want to be real in hopes that others will be real and that we woman will not fall into the despair of never feeling like we are enough. I had a break down to my amazing mother and husband the other day over feeling like I just wasn't measuring up in anything. I log into facebook and see pictures of Dino pancakes made by cool moms, major refinished projects, creative kid activities, their newest iPhone upgrade, etc. basically, I see everyone's perfect moments and non of their pull my hair out, my child just colored on the floor, the dinner burned, I forgot to do my home teaching moments. So, for any women who want to be told, you doing much better than you think you are, I am going to start doing more post on my imperfect moments mixed in with those few days that I truly felt like super mom.

My brother recently became a bishop and is most surprised by how different woman are behind closed doors than when they are trying to give a social impression of being totally put together. For some reasons Mormon culture has created a false expectation or a mold, mothers are suppose to fit. We must graduate with high honors from college, be an interior decorator and create homes fit for a magazine all while running the weekend marathon and fitting into the latest style of skinny jeans and heels. Don't forget about the photography business on the side ( with all the respect in the world to my friends who truly are amazing photographers ) and making meals fit for a king in a fashionable apron, family home evening activities, a planned and prayed about visiting teaching thought, and being the most prized wife with how often our husband get, "sexy time." Ladies this idea is not what the brethren have taught. There is no job description for perfect mom because who you are, that is the person your children need and why god sent them to you! Your children don't need your neighbor Jane, or he would have sent them to her.

So, my name is lundi. Yes, Lundi but I will most of the time respond to Wendy and Lindy because for some reason that is what people hear. This week my child colored on the floor, I took a very long walk one two days and called it my workout. My child eats processed viena sausages. ( they are his favorite and its not worth the fight to get him to eat the carrots I made him. At least he is eating something.) kellen probably watched more tv than he should but he can identify a circle, square, and triangle.  I haven't done my visiting teaching yet but I have set a goal. I say prayers every night with my little boy and tell him I love him more than he wants to hear. Recently I was a 3.9 student in the usu special Ed program and I postponed school with only my student teaching left. Some say I quit but my father in heaven and my family know it was a huge sacrifice that was the best thing for my family. My baby glares at every stranger that tries to smile at him and I wore a, what not to wear, no no this week in public... A college sweater, jeans and running shoes. Oops. I cried this week because I didn't read my scriptures, I didn't write my journal, and I only got to watch a few
conference talks because my child needed my attention, I love watching tv and really do feel guilty about wasting service time watching my nightly shows but i still havent changed. I often compare myself and wish I could be more like the wonderful moms around me. But ladies here is the thing. The savior said, be ye therefore perfect. However, the word BE, is a verb and most importantly it is in future tense. Every day we try again to become perfect. And in time, only through our savior, we will BECOME perfect. My life is made up of  more imperfect moments than perfect but it is awesome. It really is a fairy tale with lots of conflicts, happy endings, mistakes, moments of triumph, heart break, and more love than I ever thought possible. Moms be okay with your imperfections and keep trying. Trying to be better and wanting to be better are great things, but trying to be someone else or be too
much will only lead you to despair and trust me despair is a power satan will try and use to drag down our churches most powerful weapon...imperfect mothers!
From here on out I will try to be real. I will share my ups and downs so that maybe someone somewhere can for a second think, I'm not alone, I'm not crazy, and I'm doing a pretty good job.